All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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