I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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