Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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