if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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