Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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