the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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