I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
