So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
