for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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