You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
