So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
