This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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