Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
