Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
