bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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