I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
