Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
