ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
