Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
