I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
