I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
