having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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