I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
