I hate your face
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize