You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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