he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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