I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Text me some of your sweat
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
