Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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