I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You are a genius and a whore.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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