If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
