I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
