Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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