After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize