Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
