I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
