A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
