we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
you made out with another girl for some wings
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
