We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
