I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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