Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
