Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Text me some of your sweat
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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