Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
