I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize