Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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