I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
