i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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