Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
