Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
