guys are only as good as the porn they watch
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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