But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
