do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
