i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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