the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
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