I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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