i already hear my dad disowning me
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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