I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
