We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
