Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
