me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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