If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize